vegetabletarian:

not counting calories is just so great

"I would give a great deal for doubt to be still possible. When I doubted, I was miserable, but it was better than now. When I doubted, I had hope; but now there is no hope, and still I doubt everything"

"Hell is empty
And all the devils are here."

An update about my life for those who have been wondering

The last few days have been pretty rough. Deciding not to transfer and to complete my undergrad degree at BU was one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make in a while. It came down to the fact that I wouldn’t be able to graduate from Chapel Hill on time and would have no freedom in choosing my courses and that I wasn’t in love with it enough to make those kind of sacrifices. After deciding I hated BU, giving up on it, commuting for a year and planning on leaving and starting over, I had trouble even fathoming going back. It’s like I was planning on being happy and getting a fresh start and always looking forward to the future, but all of a sudden that future is gone. So, what am I left with?

At first it felt like I had nothing, that this meant that I’m destined to keep being miserable and not living my life. I still sort of feel that way, to be honest. But I also feel like I have the ability to make the best of my situation wherever I am. I feel like I have the power to be happy if I choose to be and choose to put in the effort required to make something work. In a lot of ways, it feels like my future is still in my hands.

Next year I could commute from home again. It would be simple and easy and two days of driving in to Boston per week. It would be cheap and safe, but it would be so boring. In my heart, I know that I would do absolutely nothing with myself or my life, that I wouldn’t have anything to do at home all the time, and that I’d continue being unhappy. Instead, I could sublet an apartment in the city for a semester, try and have some fun, and maybe intern at a Boston agency. Part of me wants to try this but the negative side of me says not to bother, not to waste money, and not to put yourself back in a city you can’t stand. I also have so consider the fact that I’ll be abroad in the spring, so I would have to sublet an apartment for a few months. Is a few months worth all the hassle? Would it be smarter just to spend first semester bored at home? 

Anyways, I spoke to my parents about studying abroad in the spring, and they think it’s a great idea. My options are either London, Dublin, Sydney or Auckland. I seriously think that I would be happy going to any of those. Ah, this really gives me something to look forward to. If I like being abroad, I can try somewhere else next year or go back say if I fall in love with London. (And I found out that studying abroad is actually cheaper than normal tuition and scholarships still carry over!)

That’s what’s awesome about staying at BU. I’m in really great shape academically. I’ve comfortably met the requirements I should have by now, and I’m even a little bit ahead. I’m going to major in Mass Communications: Advertising and can comfortably minor in Anthropology while still going abroad (maybe even twice). Staying at BU means academic freedom and being able to take classes that I’m genuinely passionate about. I feel kind of established at BU as a student, and I’m glad to continue that, glad to keep my GPA, glad to have exciting prospects for the future.

It’s to the point where I need to recognize how truly lucky I really am. I’m so blessed to be able to have this education, to have the capability to travel abroad, to have the choice to live where I want, and more so just to determine how my own life goes. I’m at this point where yes, I’m completely devastated that I’m not starting over somewhere, but I need to recognize that I have the capability to change and to be happy. Nothing is going to improve if I continue to wallow and sulk forever. Change will only come if I make it. And I think that maybe I can